i return to work on monday. i hate just typing these words. it makes it more real.
not my fun, do from home work, but my bill paying, go to an office for 9 hours a day job.
without henry, obviously.
it isn't exactly like i am in denial. it's more like i just don't know how to prepare for it, how to accept that it is really happening, like when the birth of your child is impending and your whole world it about to get rocked and you know it rationally, but you just don't understand it until it actually happens. so all you can do is brace for impact.
so this is an attempt at bracing.
i am terrified that he will get used to the bottle and not take my nipple any more, necessitating a shift to formula. (is that common? we have had a few latch problems that just finally have seemed to work themselves out....)
i am concerned about his sleep. during the day, he tends to cat nap. even while being worn, 30 minutes, an hour tops. it wouldn't bother us but.... we have a new routine. around the second or third nap of the day i will get set up on the couch for what we call a sleating (sleeping/eating) marathon. if he has access to my nipple he will sleep for two to three hours, only half waking occasionally for a quick snack, other times just using me as a human pacifier while he snoozes. he wakes up from this time so refreshed and awake, i know it does his little body good. but we just cant figure out how to achieve these longer naps without mama.
i am so worried that he will feel abandoned by me. is that silly? i am his world right now. don't get me wrong. he loves his papa and spends loads of amazing time with him. but he is never without me for but the briefest of periods. his sweet eyes follow me around the room, he is calmed in my arms above others' just a little easier, and he is slightly more generous to me with his smiles and cooing. and suddenly, i just won't be there. for over nine hours.
henry will be 12 weeks next week. i keep waiting for the magic 3 month mark to hit. where they get just a little easier. he is an amazing little guy, not too fussy and pretty easy to please. but he still needs one of us almost constantly. i was hoping this would have eased up before i had to leave him. not for concern that others can't care for him as well as i do, just for my own internal peace. he doesn't turn three months until 13 weeks. so maybe then.
the care he will receive is in fact the one thing i am not worried about. we are so lucky that his papa gets to take a little bit of time off now. so while i am a hot mess at work, i will at least be assured that the little man is home with someone who loves him just as much as i do. this is the best possible transition i could have asked for.*
and i am so so so excited for them to have this time together. it will be such an important and wonderful bonding experience for them. and i think they will have a lot of fun. i love picturing their adventures, and can't wait to get constant updates throughout the day to see what they are up to.**
but still. (selfishly?) i am deeply sad. my heart aches.
those of you who have been there/done that; how did you get through this time?
* (okay, pushing it back a year or so would have worked too. ;)
**if we were not broke from all this time off work i would probably update us to new iPhones so we could video chat!