It turns out, we are having solids week here on H + L. A while back I said something about baby led weaning on twitter. Kristen mentioned that she has been feeding her boy Dax that way, and I jumped on the chance to ask her to write us a guest post and tell us more. Thanks Kristen!

krmmnn

So we've all been feeding our babies however we've managed to for some months. By wizardry, by divining for water, by panning for gold, by osmosis, our babies have grown into plump or lean miniature humans who can sit up and look us in the eyes. And now for whatever reason, we're in a hurry to feed the baby our scraps of dinner, to try on cute bibs,
to perfect family recipes and calibrate our wee ones to its texture and flavor, to do more laundry and get on our hands and knees to wash the floor, ahem... or to labor over perfect mixtures to freeze for effortless afternoons to come, to show our baby what our lives really
revolve around, real food.

Enter Baby-Led Weaning, or BLW.

Celia touched on BLW in her Monday post -- and I'm here to add my own experiences regarding BLW.

Let's start by explaining what this BLW is. Contrary to the way it sounds, BLW is not "weaning" in the typical sense; it simply means to start the weaning process and leave the weaning entirely up to the baby. It can take weeks; it can take years. The crux of BLW is
essentially that you start off baby on whole foods rather than spoon- feeding him or her, and in this way allow the baby to explore texture and self-satisfaction, as you offer him or her as much food as he or she is interested in eating at each offering.

Many BLWers will also cite the signs of readiness for baby to start eating: Sitting unassisted; Tongue-thrust reflex is gone; Pincer grasp is present; & the baby is 6 months of age.

All of the signs are intended to minimize the risk of choking on food, as a baby that presents all signs are technically ready to chew and swallow food on their own. From everything that I've read, the guideline of 6 months is to both ensure the other signs of readiness and also that the baby's digestive system has been given sufficient time to mature from what is called "open gut," a period of time during which "spaces between the cells of the small intestines will readily allow intact macromolecules, including whole proteins and pathogens, to pass directly into the bloodstream," to "closed gut." However, there is a dearth of authoritative information on this subject, so it's left open for mothers to debate.

I have been thinking about how to write about BLW and the truth is that at 15 months of babyhood, I don't care much about BLW. But that in itself became kind of interesting to me. As with other parenting choices, the time they are relevant in our lives is so short comparatively. By the time we feel confident about our decisions, it's time to move on. BLW might just be another thing to feel weird about, or to feel strongly about only to not care a few short months later when it seems like everyone's babies are eating big chunks of food.

In our own experience, my son, Dax, did not express much interest in solid foods until he was 12 months old. Furthermore, he was completely inept at swallowing even the softest chunks of sweet potato. An alarming and embarrassing scenario: Eating dinner with my sister and her friend with a 9 month old baby, I gave Dax a chunk of tofu to everyone's encouragement. This resulted in Dax gagging and puking milk all over me at the dinner table. He was 11 months old. When he was 9 months old, my friends with 7 month olds were feeding their babies whole black beans and seeded bread. But we stuck to food processed in a handheld food mill, or food served in a mesh feeder, or honestly just nursed, because that's what felt right most of the time. Our pediatrician wasn't concerned and the LLL (la leche league) leaders assured me it was okay. When 12 months rolled around, it was like a switch turned on, and Dax started eating table food vigorously. That's just how he rolled!

purees vs whole foods

I would like to clear up one misconception about BLW. I feel like too much emphasis is placed on the wholeness of food. In my opinion, it is more about self-feeding and letting the baby dictate the quantity of food eaten. Even though I milled Dax's table food, I would stick it to his broad wooden spoon and let him feed himself. (Much to my mother's dismay, Dax would never let us feed him, and has only recently tolerated me shoving food in his mouth.) It is totally possible to both perfect your soft babyfood concoctions and and also practice BLW.
Yes, the spoon will end up on the floor. Often. But guess what -- this happens all the time with older babies anyway, so get used to it!

Or conversely, don't worry about it. If your baby isn't showing a lot of interest in actually eating, it's totally okay. However you've been feeding him or her so far is more than sufficient. Solid food is not as calorically-dense as breastmilk & formula; a little milk goes a
longer way in terms of weight gain and nutrient delivery than a chunk of sweet potato will. Even fatty foods like avocado and tofu are less suited for the task of growing a human brain, so there's no hurry.

But I will admit that despite the quickening of laundry loads and extra prep and cleaning, feeding babies is fun and BLW is a pleasant way to do it. Dax's delayed appetite coincided with the start of berry season, and every time he jammed a summer raspberry into his mouth it was like watching a coin tossed into a winning slot machine. I kept a mental tally of how many berries he had consumed as if to hold the nutrient-content of his little body a little closer. He was choosing to eat this food, and it was a good choice. Maybe in some way BLW is about that -- Beyond exploring texture and taste, it is about facilitating choice independently early on and reinforcing that behavior. That's the beauty of baby-led weaning that can be hard to grasp in the moment, especially if that moment seems to take too long
-- The baby leads us, and we guide them by simply following.

During Jamie & Celia's maternity leave we asked a few of our favorite moms from around the internet if they would help fill the space with their wisdom. We asked for their thoughts on being a new mom, motherhood in general, or maybe something that really surprised them (no one told me that!). When Shelly asked for a more specific subject, I asked her to talk about travel and mobility, since while making the request she and her family of 5 were in the middle of a 5 week adventure in Costa Rica!!!!! And, traveling with kids in tow has always been of interest to me... Please welcome Shelly!

While pregnant with my first babe, adults would congratulate me on my pregnancy then quickly follow up with a knowing caution of how my life was about to change. I always thought this a very interesting thing to say because: Who really wants their life to remain the same throughout the years anyways…isn’t that the definition of stagnant? Further, I never could understand the often communicated sentiment that once your family started to grow that things the parents enjoyed before having children must be sacrificed once there were children. Would my cherished pleasures like travel to foreign lands, beer and garden tomatoes come to a rude halt once our babe was born?

Birth came and went. And again. And again. Now we are 5. I am happy to report that things have changed and for the better. Things I enjoyed once upon a time, I can honestly say that I enjoy them more now because they are shared (ok, I don’t share a craft beer with my kids yet). One thing we do share, and as often as we can, is travel to foreign lands. The best travels we have had as a family have been when everyone is having a good time together. Honestly, I don’t really want to spend my holiday going to kid venues (boring for me) just as my littlest littles wouldn’t want to explore an art museum for hours on end (boring for them).

Here are my do’s for travel with littles:

Do always be realistic. Camping trips and beach holidays are superb family getaways, city style cafes and museums are not. In nature, kids are offered a venue to explore and get dirty. Meanwhile, I can watch them run while swinging in a hammock with a book and a beer.

Now don’t get me wrong, while travel with family offers so much fun and greatness, it can also be hell at times.

Do remain light and maintain your sense of humor. You know, because you will need it once or twice. The good news is, everything is temporary and after a few minutes the dust always settles.

Do bring needle and thread. Something always needs mending.

Do carry food at all times. When heads come unscrewed, it is almost always because of lack of sleep or hunger.

Do use local babysitters. I cannot stress this one enough…. If you want to do something fun that a little can’t do or you want a date night…. Do it!

Do have as many children as possible. I know this may sound a bit crazy but traveling (abroad and in life) as a gang is so delightful and entertaining in itself for everyone in the family.\

Ultimately, traveling with littles is blissful time spent together punctuated by chaotic messes. The alternative: Not traveling because of the littles is not an option... unless that is, you plan on growing old and cautioning the youth in a condescending manner that reflects on your boring days of yesteryear.

During Jamie & Celia's maternity leave we asked a few of our favorite moms from around the internet if they would help fill the space with their wisdom. We asked for their thoughts on being a new mom, motherhood in general, or maybe something that really surprised them (no one told me that!). Please welcome Shayna!

I've been wracking my brain for the past few weeks trying to come up with some miraculously witty and sage advice or thoughts about what surprised me most as a new mom. And after all of this wracking and thinking? Nothing much brilliant but a random quick and dirty list of thoughts I've gathered over the past 4.5 months about this whole childbirth and baby business:

+ birth plan? eh, why bother? good tool for discussion (or mega-fights in our household) but I think my scribbled plan stayed crumpled up at the bottom of my bag. The nurses are your best friends; use their experience.

+ birth is miraculous no matter the circumstance; natural, medicated or cesarean it's all pretty damn amazing and in the end the result is the same....you have a baby!

+ hospitals are not relaxing. ask a nurse if you can put a "do not disturb" sign on the door for a few hours. we finally did (mom's brilliant idea) and it was the first time we slept in 4 days.

+ coming home with a new baby is HARD. when friends and family offer help, take it.

+ don't judge parents who use the pacifier, the bouncy chair, formula, etc. getting through the beginning as a relatively sane person is a lot better for both you and babe than being a crazy person who is dogmatic about their pre-baby ideals. not saying you have to abandon your child-rearing philosophy, but stay open and flexible.

+ not all babies sleep all of the time.

+ don't even try to do dishes, laundry, cook, etc for a while. that's not your job right now.

+ nursing gets easier with time and your nipples won't hurt forever.

+ the surge in hormones is insane. you will cry like a teenage girl and smell like a teenage boy for several weeks post-birth.

+ don't stress about what you "need" to be ready for the arrival of the wee one. diapers and a blanket are really the only necessary items. in the end, you're going to have a baby no matter how much stuff you accumulate and the baby won't notice what's missing.

+ you will mourn for your old life. don't be ashamed. it doesn't mean you don't love your baby or your new life.

+ you may not feel like you love your baby immediately and it doesn't make you a bad mother. this is an entirely new person that you need time to get to know.

+ on that note: one day without even noticing that it's happened, you'll find yourself head-over-heels hardcore in-love with your tiny babe and you'll realize that everything was so worth it.

During Jamie & Celia's maternity leave we asked a few of our favorite moms from around the internet if they would help fill the space with their wisdom. We asked for their thoughts on being a new mom, motherhood in general, or maybe something that really suprised them (no one told me that!). Please welcome Lisa!

Let's say you're pregnant. Or thinking, dreaming, of becoming so. You wonder about motherhood. You say to yourself, "Maybe I should study up a bit?" You read a book, some blogs, you are surprised. "Have we lost our minds? Shouldn't taking care of a baby be simple? Weren't we designed to do this?
Let us deconstruct. I've thought about this for years. My first child will be 24 in July. My second, and last, will be 21 in a few weeks.


Here's the root cause behind so much of today's parenting craziness.

1. Babies need lots of nurture to stay alive.



2. The requirements for said nurture, specifically feeding, mean at minimum severely interrupted sleep and, at worst, cracked nipples, milk duct infections, even defeat. Oh, and babies often prefer to be held all the time when they are awake. No lazy sitting around, they want you walking. That's more to do than any one or even two people can handle reasonably.



3. Babies usually have only one mother and one father. With any luck, a grandmother or a few aunts can pitch in, but they often live elsewhere, and provide only occasional help.



4. When, exhausted by providing said nurture, you ask for advice, read books, or blogs, in search of ways to make the task easier, the entire world will advise you. Unfortunately, they will say EITHER that you must respond to your baby's every quiver and fidget, OR that you must start immediately to structure and discipline your baby's life. That you will in fact wreck that baby via unlimited nurture.



5. Not to mention Freud, and the legions of psychologists who followed.

What you learn, in the end, is that there's no such thing as culturally and emotionally unbiased advice.

In the first months of parenthood you make decisions that may have a huge impact on your child's well-being. Certainly they will affect your own. Or not. You don't know for sure. The problem is, sleep deprivation and hormones disrupt all your logical systems. Worse, there is no clear, reasoned, correct answer to most of your questions. Which is not to say there are no answers at all, to the contrary, there are millions. But an actual understanding, by anyone, of the true psychological impact of baby care choices? Rudimentary.
Sure, we know that very bad care is very bad for babies. But once you reach adequate, we don't know much about the different impact of sufficient versus deeply attached. We don't know for sure which matters more, responsiveness or structure. We just don't know.

People with different politics, or emotional backgrounds, favor different kinds of childcare. And everyone wants you to follow their path.

Some personal stories. My first baby, my daughter, had ear infections from the time she was 5 weeks old. Nowadays they know antibiotics aren't always required, but I didn't know it then. Homeopaths said don't use antibiotics, my old-school pediatrician said dose her or risk hearing loss. We used the medicine. We'd take a little syringe without a needle and shoot the pink liquid between her gums and cheek. She'd cry and throw up. Of course, when the ear infections came on she'd nurse and then throw up. Off and on for months, this happened.
When she was 4 months old, we went back East, and saw some old friends. They said, "Tell me, are you just SO in love with her?" "No," I said, "I'm mostly scared."

Conflicting advice, and the sense that if I only had more information I could do a better job, caused more distress than the problem itself.

But babies throwing up pink antibiotics wasn't wasn't half so difficult as sleep. Or lack thereof. I struggled so much with my children waking at night. I went to my daughter and nursed her every time she cried. Until she turned 2, and I got pregnant again.

By the time my son was about 11 months old, I'd been waking in the middle of the night for several years. I had tried nursing two children at the same time - tandem nursing they call it, what a term - and had come down with bronchitis and dropped 15 pounds. At my wit's end I decided to try the Let Him Cry It Out method. I regret it to this day.

I will never forget the sight of my son's beautiful chubby face, pressed up against his crib bars, as he knelt, sleeping, still sniffling from crying. His eyes were closed and his body was still crying.

I needed a more graceful way to degrade. I was exhausted, true, but I am too highly-strung to survive a little one crying alone. Most likely, my children share that hard-wiring. Most likely, my son took it harder than other babies, sons of tougher mothers. Had I trusted myself instead of a system, had I been able to withstand the peer pressure and anxiety of competing thought systems, I'd have made a different choice.


I imagine some of you are thinking, "Wow, she was one of those crazy moms. I will never try so hard (care so much fret worry agonize) like that." The funny thing is, after the early years, I became a fairly relaxed mother. Not one to lose my temper, forbid sugar, require total obedience, or lose sleep over a little dirt. Now, I never stopped thinking, or trying to figure out the best approach, that's who I am. But, simply put, once I'd gathered enough data I settled in and started to feel like an expert of sorts. An expert on my children and my way of mothering.
As I look back, I could have trusted biology more. I think the word instinct is misused. We live in a world far beyond instinct. But your hunches, and your deep feelings, those you can follow. In other words, my babies had soft hearts, high sensitivity, and a strong will in their heritage. I could have gone with my gut, because my babies shared that gut, in many ways. If I'd adopted, I would have trusted in my observations more. What you see before you is always more valuable than what you read.
I also wish I'd done more research, not on child care, but on infant development. For those of us who think a lot, having a good conceptual framework helps carry us to a place of gut-trust. For example, I found it deeply comforting to know what the greats of child psychology and animal behavior believe. Some facts.

• You can't spoil a child before 6 months. (I'd say more like 11-18 months, but for that I have no proof.)



• The number of mother-child interactions over time is so huge that no one thing you do will determine the nature of your relationship or your child's psychology.



• There is such thing as temperament and some traits are genetic, shyness for example, and response to authority. That baby is not a blank slate.

Finally, here's what I came to believe, even though I can't prove truth.

• It's worth trying as hard as you can to provide pre-civilized nurture. Perhaps they call it 'Paleo Mothering,' these days. I don't know. I believe that civilization is alienating, albeit necessary.



• However, in modern society, this will prove at some point to be just about impossible. The trick is to know when you've done all you can, and switch to a different strategy before you collapse, resent, ignore, or damage anyone. Yourself included. Degrade gracefully.



• Do set up some structure early on, designed primarily to support your own sanity. Days can be long, confusing, and boring. Having some idea of what happens next can be comforting.



• Once you have your structure, your day pattern, be prepared to tear it down. Babies keep changing their minds. So you build and tear down, build and tear down. You aren't supposed to know what to do automatically, or immediately. You are supposed to work with your baby. The two of you figure it out together. What a great way to learn about relationships. Humans are an interdependent species, one that relies on communication. It makes sense that good mothering is more about a shared understanding than any one right way.



• I had a friend who would lay her baby down, look into his face and say, "Hello. You are a baby. Hello baby." I always found that very useful, and comforting.



• There's no such thing as a bad baby. Some are easy, some are difficult. That's it.



• A difficult baby is not necessarily going to be a difficult toddler, or a difficult teen. The converse is also true. Easy babies may enter their teen years and become veritable hellions. At which point those of us with more demanding babies get to laugh, demonically.



• Start imposing limits for the sake of your child - later. At let's say, 18 months. If you haven't imposed any by the time your kid is three and half, you'll regret it. Be sure to pick your battles. They've got some strong little wills, those kidlets.



• Find yourself a like-minded community in which to raise your children. Since there are no answers, you may as well get opinions from people with whom you share values. I highly advise finding a newborn mother's group.

You will continue to learn.

The first year after my daughter was born, I wrote a long letter to two pregnant friends, I concluded by saying you can only be as good of a parent as you are a person. I was wrong. I am a better person for having loved my children as I do, for having nurtured them as I have. I did anything but a perfect job, but tried every day to do better.

Your baby, oddly, is your Buddha. The effort to do better is worth it. But make the effort with as much peace in your heart as you can find.


One day, maybe three months after giving birth, you put your baby in the car seat, and walk around to get into the driver's seat, only to realize she's watching you. She knows you are the mother. Then, a few years later, in that same car, or maybe a new one, you're driving home and your toddler starts to sing the lullaby you put her to sleep with at night. Only she uses different words,

"Lullaby, and goodnight, go to sleep now darling mommy." And you're sunk. If you weren't already.
Images:

Me and my daughter, a couple of hours after she was born.

My daughter, at 3 weeks, over the the space of 5 minutes.

That chubby, apparently dark-haired creature, is now a tall slender redhead. As I said, they surprise you.

During Jamie & Celia's maternity leave we asked a few of our favorite moms from around the internet if they would help fill the space with their wisdom. We asked for their thoughts on being a new mom, motherhood in general, or maybe something that really suprised them (no one told me that!). Please welcome Elizabeth!




it's a new day

i heard an analogy recently about birth being like getting ready for a big trip to europe. you read the guide books, book the hotels and pack all your travel essentials and then get in your taxi and head to the airport. this is labor and birth. but what about after? i was definitely guilty of focusing on just that big day. i packed my birth bag, took two labor support classes, had a checklist of all the things i had to buy for the baby, and read more books than i'd care to admit on the subject. the one thing i wish had been talked about a bit more was the importance of healing post-partum.

the first six weeks post-partum is a time unlike any other emotionally or physically. you just used a huge part of your life source to create another human being and you need help! in eastern indian (ayurvedic) tradition, a woman is home being cared for by her family for the first six weeks. this allows her the time to heal and bond with the baby. i think there is a huge emphasis in our culture to 'bounce back' and to be our selves. i know at least for me, i wanted to feel like my old self again. i like to multi-task like crazy and i was so exhausted i could barely leave the house (just wait until you put on the maya wrap the first few times you go to the grocery store - i'm tired just thinking about it.) thankfully i knew from having two beautiful siblings who have had many, many babies that i wasn't my old self. i had just gone through the most physically demanding act i'll probably ever experience and should honor it. i really think creating a cocoon for your little family and lining up resources for the days after can make a huge difference in how you feel six months to a year down the line.

having support is so key for those first few weeks of excitement and beauty. now that the hard work of labor is behind you, there is still the 'invisible work' of healing ahead. and let's not forget breastfeeding. for some this is a walk in the park, for others it can be the most frustrating thing to figure out. if possible get a post-partum doula, a lactation consultant or someone who can come in your home after you have the baby to help. i hired an amazing lactation consultant who brought me tinctures, a squirt bottle (you aren't gonna feel like 'wiping' down there for a while) and cabbage leaves for when my milk came in. we were so tired and nervously charted when elodie ate, spit up, slept and endlessly worried that she wasn't eating enough. i think by day three we realized that she was ok, that we knew what to do and, thankfully, threw that chart away. some lifesavers for us were 'the happiest baby on the block' video, the aden and anais swaddler blankets and just knowing that it was fine to lay in bed all day and 'work' at breastfeeding. my fondest memories are of being in bed all day and eating meals that our friends so graciously prepared for us. we spent very little time cleaning or online (well, i would watch cable during the marathon breastfeeding sessions!)

i guess my main message is enjoy every minute and don't be so hard on yourself. your body just went through an enormous change and now you have a little one that is relying on you for everything. my mantra has been since those first few twilight days, 'if not the mama, then who?' it is in awesome responsibility. do the best you can and know that it is beautiful and enough.



images by Hisham Akira Bharoocha

During Jamie & Celia's maternity leave we asked a few of our favorite moms from around the internet if they would help fill the space with their wisdom. We asked for their thoughts on being a new mom, motherhood in general, or maybe something that really suprised them (no one told me that!). Please welcome Marie-Ève!

Things that surprised me about motherhood.

The amazing effect seeing their little faces has on my morale, even when tired; it's crazy how just that is often enough to keep me going.

How simultaneously hard and rewarding breastfeeding is. How you sometimes can't wait for it to be over, but then also can't bear to stop.

How however long maternity leave is (I'm blessed with one year), it really goes by too quickly.

How, despite being terrified of childbirth and sure that I would want the epidural as soon as the first contraction came, I was able to go through it naturally twice.

How even though becoming a mother instantly became a huge part of my life, I didn't stop caring about other things as well, about everything else that interested me before. I realized that pursuing these things and still taking care of myself actually made me a better mother.

How babies are already full of the personalities they will end up having... How they naturally take their place within the family, by just being there and being themselves.

How you can survive on interrupted sleep, for years.

How so much communication is possible even without language.

How our life never went back to "normal". At the beginning we were waiting for a return to the way it used to be, then we understood that it wasn't happening. A "new normal" was taking place, instead. And we were better for it.

How I shouldn't take their routine and patterns for granted. As soon as I thought I was having it down, they would throw me out for a loop, by not getting down for a nap anymore, or suddenly wanting to nurse much earlier. Same with their behavior or reaction to certain situations; despite fearing that both kids would explode during a long flight, they slept and did well. Only to send us into complete disaster mode later when we least expected it, during familiar, trivial activities like taking a walk or shopping for groceries.

How I should never be afraid to try things that send us out of our comfort zone, and push the limits a little. In retrospect, it has always gone smoother than I could ever expect.

How when it comes to my kids I naturally become assertive, insistent, relentless, a force to be reckoned with, which I had never been before.

How clearly they suddenly made my priorities appear, even with things that are unrelated to them.

How your heart simply grows to welcome a second child, and you really can love the both of them as strongly, even if before I didn't how how this was possible. Similarly, how seeing my husband as a dad is sometimes making me ache in love and yes, even lust, for him.

How it's never possible to be a perfect parent, how sometimes you go to bed at night with your heart heavy, full of guilt and regret. But how it is also miraculous that the next day, and every day, you always get a chance to do over and get it right.

How, despite what we had thought, a second child does not feel any "less special". It is different, and seems to go by quicker, but we find ourselves taking just as many pictures, and being just as attentive and rejoiced by all of her little milestones and developmental progress.

How truly easier the second time is, probably because we are more relaxed (perhaps too much so sometimes -I've even occasionally forgotten the diaper bag at home!)

How immensely addictive is the smell, tiny limbs, little sounds, and furtive happy glances of new babies.

During Jamie & Celia's maternity leave we asked a few of our favorite moms from around the internet if they would help fill the space with their wisdom. We asked for their thoughts on being a new mom, motherhood in general, or maybe something that really suprised them (no one told me that!). Please welcome Kristina!

Hello Hank & Lucy readers! This is so exciting because me guest-posting means that Hank & Lucy are here! Or nearly here. Hugest congrats to mamas Jamie and Celia!

I've been thinking about what sort of advice I could possibly give to new moms out there that they haven't already heard 1M times. You know, nap when the baby is napping (true!), rest, don't try to do too much, accept help when offered, live in the moment because moments turn into days and months so quickly, try to make a tiny bit of time for yourself once in a while, etc etc etc. All of which are totally 100% time tested and true.

But most of us don't end up following that advice to the letter. Because there are always dishes to do, showers to be had, beds to be made, and sometimes you just wish your baby was a little bit older so he could do this or that or sleep longer or sit up or be mobile. It's just the nature of your first experience as a mother, I suppose. So maybe I won't give you any advice, instead maybe I will just share a part of my experience. The most remarkable part, for me.

What is impossible to prepare for, utterly enveloping, and completely unavoidable is the love. The extraordinarily deep, scary intense, gut-wrenching, rip-your-heart-out-and-wear-it-pinned-to-your-chest love, that appears without warning in the days and months that follow the birth of your child. In fact love actually seems like too small of a word. Too worn and used in so many other ways. This is something different and real and visceral. Something that feels so big and so true, it's hard to describe.

I was sorely unprepared for how the birth of my son would change me. It's as if the axis of my little universe suddenly and irreversibly shifted. I've read many times that having a child feels like watching your heart walk around outside your body. THAT is the truth. And it can be terrifying. I go down dark scary holes thinking about all the "what-ifs" for my little heart, and I wish I didn't but I don't understand how one avoids that? Your most vital organ is now out in the world, swinging on swings, climbing stairs, scraping his knees, eventually growing into a teenager (!), completely unprotected by your body. It's a wonder mothers survive the emotional upheaval.

Do you know what scares me more? Having another. Really. I don't think I'm ready to handle having my mind blown all over again. Jora left me a comment the other day that said "… you are about to find out that a mother's love is exponential." Exponential! That means that if you have three kids you don't have three times as much love. You have love to the power of three. Which is like, whoa. But it is wonderful to feel this deeply.

I can't even fathom what more of this would be like. But I can't wait to find out. You know what motherhood is? It's a drug.

Photograph by Deb Schwedhelm

During Jamie & Celia's maternity leave we asked a few of our favorite moms from around the internet if they would help fill the space with their wisdom. We asked for their thoughts on being a new mom, motherhood in general, or maybe something that really suprised them (no one told me that!). Please welcome Cate!

You know what sprung to mind when Jamie asked me if I would write about new motherhood? This notebook I had.

Talia spent the first couple of weeks of her life mostly asleep. Then I suppose she must have recovered from being born, realised this outside world was the new normal, and started paying attention.

She was a pretty good sleeper, in the sense that she generally slept at night. She'd wake a lot to feed sometimes, but she wouldn't be up for hours on end screaming. Hardly ever, anyway.

But at some point when she was only weeks old, I started to look for a pattern in her naps. It was a square ruled notebook; I turned it sideways and I wrote all twenty-four hours of the day all the way down the left-hand side. Then I noted when she fed and coloured the little squares to represent the times she was asleep.

And I stressed about it. Because, although she was a good sleeper, she was a little colicky and would sometimes take quite a while to settle in the evenings. Sometimes she'd keep us up, and this was in the middle of winter (and we only get eight hours daylight up here right in the depths of winter), when my husband was getting up at five am, spending three hours a day commuting, and working all day on a building site.

So, yeah, it's coming back to me now. There were nights when he would give in and go downstairs to try and get some sleep on the sofa. We'd kiss each other and say "sleep well" and "I love you" and "I hate this" and "I understand". And the next day I'd scribble in my little notebook like it might make some difference. Like by obsessively recording her every move through the day I might change what happened at night.

But I didn't believe in waking a sleeping baby, still don't. I believe as they get older it makes sense to feed them and put them to bed at times that make sense to you (while paying attention to what seems to make sense to them). But I never saw the sense in waking them, and I never had any luck keeping a tiny baby awake against its will either. So what effect I thought my stressing would have, I don't know.

So Jamie, Celia? Don't rush to scribble in notebooks. There is plenty of time for rhythm and routine. Aim for it only when doing so feels right. In the meantime... embrace the chaos. And sleep when you can.