photo by my funny eye
Can we talk about god parents? Or more specifically, a person that is identified to be responsible for the care of a child should something happen to both parents. This is how I (growing up in what could be considered an agnostic family) understood the role of my own "god parents". (Is there a better word for this? I am at a loss.)
Did you choose a friend, one who shares your own principals and values? Or did you choose a family member? One with whom you might not share as much in common, but with whom you share blood. Knowing that while friendships can sometimes ebb and flow through life, family is a bit more permanent (generally).
What factors did you give the most weight to? Location, financial stability, their own status as single or married or having children? Political or religious views? If close friends were chosen over family, does this cause hurt to family members? Can multiple people be named, with the assumption that whoever is in the best place in their life (should the time come) to care for a child step in as primary caregiver? Should the spouse of a chosen person also be asked?
And finally, how have people, as non-practicing Christians, commemorated the decision? Perhaps some event can take place where it is acknowledged and celebrated, the fact that this adult has a special role in your child's life.
These are just some of the questions going around in our home, and some of our friends' homes. Can we discuss? Would you like to share how you chose? What struggles you might be having with choosing a "god" parent?
This same conversation with all the same questions comes up in our house all the time. We still haven't decided and we have a second on the way!
ReplyDeleteWe consider ourselves Christ followers but neither of us had Godparents and have differing views on what it means, guardian, spiritual guidance givers, not related "aunts and uncles"
Good luck with figuring it all out!
we're in the process of filling out a living will- which has been sort of morbid, to be honest. i think we're both thinking our own sets of parents because, although others love him, i can't see little josh as disrupting their lives the way he may our young siblings/friends.
ReplyDeleteAs aetheists, we chose guardians, and had no ceremony of any sort about it. Just some talking amongst dearly beloved siblings.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you brought this up. this and other religious topics have been on my backburner of posts to write on Babble but I've been thinking they were a little too touchy. my dad has been pushing me to get W christened so we've been hounded with the "godparents" talk too. I had a godfather, but he passed away so now what?
ReplyDeleteby the way... one of my most favorite photos EVER. that wallpaper? sigh.
My husband and I are aetheist so I definitely would not use the term godparents. But we do have an understanding that if something happened to us, my brother and sis-in-law would take care of W. Reasons being: they share our beliefs, the are kind and loving people, they had a beautiful baby girl 5 days after we had W, and I know they would love and raise W as if he was their own.
ReplyDeleteI'm definitely pro using the word "guardian" unless you're comfortable with the additional spiritual dimension that comes with the word "godparent." Even if YOU understand what you do and don't mean when you use that word, it can cause confusion for the person you select to act in that capacity ("what is my role exactly...?"). My partner is Jewish, and when he was a baby his mother designated a couple to serve as guardians, but used the word "God-parent" when discussing the role with them. Long story short, there was a falling out among the adults, and my partner grew up not knowing the couple. Until they resurfaced 25+years later and announced they were his "Godparents" and wanted to be all buddy-buddy and give him life advice and inquire about very personal stuff. Because they understood their role to be as emotional/spiritual mentors (in an agnostic sense, but still), but my partner felt like here were these strangers who were barraging him with all kinds of very intimate questions and crossing all kinds of emotional lines. It caused a lot of confusion on everybody's part, and a lot of hurt.
ReplyDeleteAll this to say, be really really clear with the guardians or god-parents about what exactly they're signing up for, and what they're not signing up for. And then make sure your kid knows when he/she is old enough to understand.
this is something I've always wondered about; my brother is the godfather to one of his neices, but his wife isn't the godmother, someone else is, and I've always wondered how in the world those kids are being divvied up should something horrible happen. I think a lot of people only think about the honor and not the logistics.
ReplyDeletethat said, I think I like "guardian." I don't even know who my "godparents" are, but I remember when I was about eleven years old and found out who got us if my parents died - it was some old neighbor I hadn't seen in forever, and I was horrified.
speaking from the other side of the convo (not having a child yet) ... my godparents are (were) the most amazing, inspirational people I know. My parents took in to consideration their morals and guidance and I seriously love them like a second set of parents (my uncle and grandmom). don't worry about the icky parts: financial, location, politics or religion- it's someone to turn to when your parents just aren't right for that particular advice.
ReplyDeletethanks for sharing everyone!
ReplyDeleteyes, i think guardian is the right choice of words for us.
@nikki agh! that freaks me out. after Hs birth i had a falling out with one of my BEST friends. out of NOWHERE. we are really thinking of naming friends as his guardian, but it makes me nervous. part of the discussion will definitely be about how, should they choose to accept, part of the responsibility is being a constant part of his life so that he knows and loves them. then i suppose should anything happen in the relationship between families, we change our will to someone that H DOES have a relationship with?
@holli that's the whole thing though... "it's someone to turn to when your parents just aren't right for that particular advice." actually it is "a person that is identified to be responsible for the care of a child should something happen to both parents" that we are looking to identify. so, the icky parts matter. are we comfortable with someone raising our son with different values than us? would we want it to be someone who lives on the other side of the country that he doesnt see often? probably not, as it should be someone with whom he grows to feel comfortable with in case he ever needs to live with them. so yeah, this stuff matters, i think.
and hopefully, because we try to foster the closeness the person naturally becomes someone he can turn to....
I'm a godmother to one of my cousins, but I share the role with an aunt. My cousin was baptized catholic, and godparent in my family means someone who is a spiritual mentor/role model for the child. This is kind of hilarious because I was made his godmother when I was a teenager - the most angsty, athiest kid around. Why my aunt chose me is beyond me - maybe she thought it would inspire me to be more religious? She never explained to me why.
ReplyDeleteI've heard of people having like a "naming day" ceremony, which is a casual non-religious affair, and you choose someone (or more than one person) to be like "guardians".
ReplyDeleteI sort of like the idea - I'm not bothered about who will look after our baby if we both check out early, I think that's highly unlikely (touch wood) but like the idea of them having a special bond with someone that they can talk to / get spoilt by, that isn't a parent. Sort of like a mentor.
oh, we really need to have this discussion in our house, too. can't even think of how to deal with it. some family is abroad...some siblings are too young/unemployed/etc. this is a real tough one...
ReplyDeleteWe've yet to settle on a guardian for our son, it is tricky with so many things to consider and I'm procrastinating even though I know I shouldn't.
ReplyDeleteGrowing up an aunt and uncle were our godparents, but my parents selected family friends, who we knew well and were comfortable with, as our guardians. The friends lived in the same area as us and we would have had continuity of school and friends should something happen to our parents. My mom thought it would be best for us to have that stability rather than moving across the state to be with family we only saw a few times a year.
I think it is different for every family. I'm sure you can set up contingency guardians should your first choice not be able to fulfill the duty.
ooo...thanks for bringing this up in a post! It's the first time I've read about it in a blog.I think my husband and I need to start talking about this pre-baby arrival in april, start thinking it through. We aren't religious so I love the guardian wordage.
ReplyDeletethe gaurdian issue has been a tough one in our house, too. none of our siblings really share our values, and we honestly felt they might squander things like our home, life insurance policies, etc., rather than using that equity to raise our daughter and send her to college. not to mention some other iffy stuff on their part. we also didn't feel like our friends were settled enough yet ... what if they decide to buy a home across the country ... so our compromise was in the meantime, we've asked my husbands mom & step dad to be guardians if the worst happened, and that we'll re-evaluate in a few years (they're in their mid 60s).
ReplyDeletea bit late to this but i've noticed in the UK lately some secular friends have started using the term 'guide-parent' which I quite like...
ReplyDeleteLong time reader (well, as long as this has been around, came over from ADF), little-to-never commenter. But: when we were in high school I distinctly remember calling my best friend in a panic because she was catholic and i wasn't "and does that mean that i can't be a god parent to your future children?" My best friend laughed and said, "Listen. I don't know what will happen with the holy water, but you are definitely taking care of my children if I die." We are still best friends, still very close, and I am still sure that she'd want me as the guardian over one of her parents. She's childless (as I am) so it hasn't been codified in any way, but I'm certain it will be. I haven't ever really thought of the logistics of it, though - it has just been a secure knowledge in my head that I'm the back-up caregiver (in our little fantasy world). This is a good reminder that things actually work a *little* differently than that and we'll need to have some serious conversation when the time/need arises.
ReplyDeleteUgh, I can SO relate to this post. The hubs and I are about to embark upon establishing a trust and despite thousands of convos, we're still no closer to choosing guardians. We're both only children so that rules out siblings, our parents are much older so that becomes worrisome, too. We both have childhood best friends, but neither are sure they ever want children of their own. So despite them swearing they'd love our little guy to the end, how does that work exactly? And of the cousins we're closest to, one recently converted to Judaism and the others have spouses who are, well, you know. Sigh. If you figure this out, feel free and let me know. I'll be pounding my head against a wall in the meantime.
ReplyDelete@jens that seems pretty reasonable. it feels like it has to be a lifelong role. but why? the friends that we feel good about long term are maybe not in the best place for a little one in the next few years, so your approach might be a good option for us...
ReplyDelete@MWK so lucky you have each other!
@2 by design SIGH.