For some reason, when you're pregnant, the floodgates of advice open up... most of it unsolicited. Everyone and their mom (literally) seems to know the answers to a healthy pregnancy, surviving birth, and then, being the absolute best parent. You take most of it for a grain of salt and then move on with your life.
What I've found most astounding though, is that no one, not even the baby books, mention one very crucial thing: When you're pregnant, you fight. Not ALL the time (or, maybe all the time, depending on your relationship), but definitely more often. You just get worked up, and you act in ways you don't normally act, and you say things you wish you could take back, and it's all OK and NORMAL. A lot of it is hormones, I'm sure, but it's also mixed in with the fact that every pregnancy is new territory in every relationship. The thing is, you love your partner so much and, together, you're bringing this little person into the the world that you also love so much, and you're kind of stuck not knowing what to expect. And when it comes to the people you love, not knowing what to expect can be really f*cking scary. You want everything to be fine, you want everyone to come out of it safe and healthy, and even though you know it's absolutely impossible, a little part of you wants it all to be perfect. It's easy to see how all this pressure can turn you into a bit of a lunatic. I'm guilty of all of the above and I constantly have to remind myself that it doesn't actually make me the jerk that I know I'm acting like. You take a moment to admit you're probably being a little ridiculous and you make up. You realize that it's just "part of it", and you go on to being super excited again. This doesn't mean you're bad people who aren't nice to each other, and it certainly doesn't mean you won't make great parents. It simply is what it is. And of all the bits of knowledge and advice I've heard in the last 9 or so months, this is what I wish someone, anyone, would have told me.
Photo, Vivian Maier
Excellent post. That bit would probably be the scariest bit of the entire process for me. I get terrified of even tiny disagreements, and when hormones are involved it's so much worse. One more thing to keep in mind if we ever decide to have babies. Thanks for sharing this, Celia!
ReplyDeleteWhile I didn't have this type of experience personally, I will say that once my daughter was actually born, I did feel much more relaxed about parenting, etc. Anticipation can be fun but other times it's just awful. I'm much better dealing with tangible stuff.
ReplyDeleteMmmmmmmmmmm. I'm *sure* this will be me, so thank you.
ReplyDeleteHeh, I actually told my husband while we were driving the other day that "I apologize right here, way in advance, for the crabby HULK I'm going to be for 9 months or so when I get pregnant." Actually, it was more specific to my mourning a lack of mojitos for 9 months (in southern summer, if planning goes right....clearly I'm crazy), but I think it applies beyond that too.
ReplyDeleteI think it'll be the intangibles that drive me crazy even thinking about baby-having. I'm such a worrier that I can only see it making our relationship over that period a bit more irritable than usual.
i hate to be the bearer of negativity but i think it stays around. this push and pull. because once the baby is here, you realize you have to compromise as you normally would but you're all of a sudden compromising your ideas about how something should be regarding your baby. so it makes finding the compromise that much harder. it's not worse, per se. just different. funny to think people have kids to save a relationship. it's the surest way to test your relationship in ways you never thought possible.
ReplyDeleteI really don't want to be the little black raincloud, but it was my experience that all this sort of stuff was actually a lot worse after the boys were born. Granted, we were dealing w/ two, but things just get intense and we tend to take that out on our "safe" person. Then you add sleep deprivation, and just how much more complicated and exhausting every day life is and I can be a real ticking time bomb some days. Hope this isn't YOUR experience, but it is definitely something I've heard from a lot of mom friends, too. I think the reason people don't talk about this stuff is that we don't want to scare people or seem like "debbie downers". And then, at least I know for me, whenever someone does tell me stuff like this, I find myself thinking "yeah, sure, but it will be different for *me*" ;)
ReplyDeleteUnrelated, but I just came across this and thought you ladies would enjoy it (because it is TRUE and you guys are all about the honesty ;) )
ReplyDeletehttp://avital.blogspot.com/2011/03/how-to-be-best-post-partum-visitor-in.html#axzz1I0jkKPhk
Oh fuck, I should have told you about this. I'm sorry. It continues once you have the baby/babies for the first few weeks. Not as much but sleep-deprivation + the hardest thing you'll ever do = fraught times.
ReplyDeleteOh, and one of my favourite games is reading the posts here and seeing how long it takes before I know if they're by you or Jamie. I had a feeling this one was yours pretty quickly.
I do that too (reading each post without looking who the author is) - adds another dimension to an already awesome blog.
ReplyDeleteYeah, you gotta work out a lot of stuff as you grow and get stronger and become co-parents as well as all the other stuff you already are. Good point, people should talk about it more.
Yes. Thanks for this.
ReplyDeleteI was so happy to find hank and lucy this week (FINALLY some actual transparency about the whole situation!) I'm so enamoured by the honesty from you both; I gave you a shout out yesterday regarding some of my favorite mom blogs out there :)
ReplyDeleteMany are saying that the fighting continues after the baby, so I'd like to be the one to say that after the baby it gets better! I don't know about your fights, but while I was pregnant we had weekly fights over the stupidest things. And I was usually the one to start the fights. I blame hormones, plus the stress of this big unknown that was about to occur in our lives (and the added stress of a home remodel that we needed to finish before the baby came). But I really think it was the hormones that made these fights so crazy, irrational, and UGLY! My husband and I fight very little, we usually calmly talk things out, but that just wasn't happening during pregnancy.
ReplyDeleteFor the about the first month, the fights did continue, but they weren't as bad. And we had this wonderful new baby, that while she turned our lives upside down, brought us immense joy, so that helped. Our baby is now 4 months old and I would say that we are back to talking out problems, no more nasty fights!
I just found your blog and I look forward to following your journey as new parents along with my own!